SINGAPORE – From a distance, they look like any other friend group. Three women in their 30s and 40s, catching up over a cup of tea. They move with an easy intimacy, trading inside jokes, taking wefies, teasing one another.
But they did not meet at work or school or in the typicalsocial settings where friendships solidify. In fact, if not for the dissolution of their respective marriages, their paths might never have crossed.
It was a January 2024 open call by local community platform Crane that brought them together. The social club had sought an “empathetic leader to build a supportive group for navigating the emotional roller coaster” of divorce.
The eldest of the three who stepped forward was Ms Kellyn Tan, 45, a financial adviser and mother of two, who left an “abusive” marriage in 2020 after 13 years. She teamed up with Ms Ang Li Tin, a 44-year-old divorcee who works in marketing, and designer Elena Cheong, 36, then in the process of finalising her divorce.
The trio, who named their support group Begin Again, organised their first session in March 2024. Since then, it has swelled to more than 30members, as has the scope of its activities. The group consists mostly of Chinese professionals in their 30s to 50s, with women making up about 70 per cent of members.
They meet to go to the movies or to rock climb. There are dinner parties, hosted at Ms Ang’s home, as well as workshops covering a swathe of topics from travelling solo to legal advice.
Informal and intimate, a group for divorcees by divorcees – that is what the founders say sets them apart from the other support groups out there.
Recalls Ms Tanof the support group she attended on the recommendation of a Ministry of Social and Family Development counsellor: “It was very mechanical. They asked typical counsellor questions, but at that stage, you aren’t always in the right frame of mind for self-reflection. What’s missing isn’t actually the advice; it’s the community.”
And what community provides is perspective.
“Sometimes, you think your problems are very big, but then you hear that other people have experienced the same thing and realise it’s not that bad,” says Ms Ang.
Ms Tan adds: “Look at us, we’ve been through the fire and survived. So, our message to participants is that you’re going to make it through whatever you’re facing now, and come out on the other side even better than before.”
Blunting the stigma of divorce
In recent years, significant strides have been made towards destigmatising divorce. Dr Paulin Straughan, Professor of Sociology (Practice) at Singapore Management University’s School of Social Sciences, believes the country has adopted a more progressive approach towards this issue.
“Singapore has, over time, shifted towards the stance where we see divorce as a chance for those in failed marriages to reconstitute happy families,” she says, adding that this shift went hand in hand with the evolving expectations of marriage.
With people increasingly marrying for love, companionship and fulfilment, the question of why they divorced is also thrown into question.
“Because if these personal expectations do not materialise, and one is unable to thrive in the relationship, society is more inclined to give the couple another chance at a happy marriage. So, when it’s framed that way, the stigmatisation eases off as well.”
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Even the law has come to reflect these changing perceptions, with new provisions that take the sting out of splitting up. In 2015, a simplified track for divorces was launched, offering couples a quicker and less costly way of reaching an agreement.
And since mid-2024, couples can cite mutual agreement as grounds for divorce, a move aimed at minimising acrimony.
While MPs questioned in Parliament whether the latter would make divorce too easy, Prof Straughan argues that stigmatisation serves no functional purpose in deterring divorce.
“It doesn’t take away the sting of a broken marriage. That’s the important thing that people must remember. Just because it is easier to file for divorce and you can have a no-fault divorce does not take away the pain of the realisation that your forever after didn’t work out.”
Despite these measures, divorcees say the stench of failure lingers.
Ms Cheong, for one, is still learning to love herself. “In Singapore, you have a template for success – you buy a house, get married, get a job. If that’s done and my marriage doesn’t work out, what now? Am I really happy? So, I’m still trying to figure out who I am.”
Ms Ang, whose marriage officially ended in 2017, says: “There’s still a lot of shame surrounding divorce. People don’t want to talk about it. There’s the subtext that something broke and you failed to make it work.”
Occasionally, when out on dates, she wrestles with feeling like “damaged goods”.
One of Begin Again’s attendees, Mr Jake Huang, who works in an oil company, faces a similar challenge. “When I’m on dates and I tell people I got divorced, their expression changes or they ghost me.”
According to Ms Tan, it is this enduring stigma that discourages divorcees from seeking help or joining a support group.
But shame has no place in Begin Again. It is trying to reframe the conversation, first and foremost, with language.For starters, itsleadersprefer terms with a more positive slant – alumni, survivors, peers, voices of reason. They are, however, split on the term “divorcee”.
“I wish that instead of ‘divorced’, my Singpass (digital identity) could just say I’m single again. I’ll still tell people that I got divorced, but it would help if I wasn’t labelled this way,” says Ms Cheong.
Co-parenting after divorce: More in S’pore seek support to ensure children’s needs not neglectedCouples can cite mutual agreement as grounds for divorce from July 1: MSF
Likewise, when introducing herself, Ms Ang will mention that she “used to be married” instead.
Ms Tan, on the other hand, wears her new-found status with pride. “I’m okay with being known as a divorcee. It means I’ve gone through the fire. I know what it’s like to live with another person, sleep with another person, clear the c**p of another person. For me, being an alumnus of a bad relationship is a badge of honour.”
These days, she speaks with the confidence of one at peace with her decisions, but it took her many years to arrive at this state of self-assurance. She says her former husband abused her verbally, mentally and physically, but she “sucked it up” for the sake of her children.
After she finally plucked up the courage to file the papers, she found herself cut adrift. “I’m from Malaysia, so when I got divorced in Singapore, I had no support emotionally. I really wished I had someone to walk with. And it took me a long time to get over the shame.
“So, I told my lawyer that when I’m healed, I’m going to make sure no one has to go through what I did. And seeing the ad to start this group felt like a sign.”
Community that gets it
In Ms Tan’s case, the divorce severed more than just her relationship. Her friends, too, slipped away. She and her former husband went to the same church and worked in the same pharmaceutical field, so their social circles overlapped. Many mutual friends took his side.
“I closed my Facebook for four years. I was totally isolated.”
Even those surrounded by friends and family might find it difficult to open up about the death of their marriage.
Take Mr Huang, for instance. At 30, he is the youngest among his friends to get divorced.
“It’s hard to get support from family and friends because they don’t understand what it’s like,” says the newly minted bachelor, who separated from his wife in October 2024 and is in the process of finalising his divorce.
“It’s the hardest with family because you don’t want them to worry too much, so you put on a front. And with my friends, they treat it like a break-up. But it’s not – it’s a lot worse than that. Life changes so drastically.”
The group, he says, has helped a lot just by being there. He has attended gym sessions, group dinners and a Christmas meet-up, organised because Ms Ang – who split from her husband during the year-end holidays – knows how crushing festive loneliness can feel.
“Because the founders themselves have gone through the process, this group feels different. They’re compassionate, they’re real,” says another attendee, Ms M.J. Wang, who got divorced in 2021.
The 53-year-old is one of Begin Again’s oldest members, but has no issue opening up to the 30somethings that dominate the group.
“We’re not all close friends, but a lot of our personal friends seem to be happily married or spending time with their kids, and can’t seem to understand when you tell them that this is happening,” says the mother of two, who works in the building industry.
“My kids are in their late teens and don’t need mummy anymore, so sometimes I can join this group impromptu. It’s quite healthy to have that social circle, especially for those who have lost friends in the process.”
Ms A.C. Chen, a manager in a multinational company in her 40s planning to file for divorce, is reluctant to confide in her friends. She does not want to have to explain herself or the status of her relationship.
“Even my best friend didn’t believe me at first when I told her how bad my marriage had become, so you can imagine how much harder it will be for my other friends to relate.”
But here, conversation is frank and participants are treated without kid gloves. They have a Telegram chat in which members can vent their worries and thoughts. When one of them starts to spiral, someone else will step in and reel him or her back to safety.
“We’ve all had moments of insecurity so we can tell them we’ve been through this too, and offer a different perspective,” says Ms Tan.
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Ms Ang describes the group’s vibe as chatty, light-hearted and edged with dark humour. They do not claim to provide professional therapy, just peer support.
But their greatest strength is also a limitation of sorts. There are times when peer support simply will not cut it.
“We’re not trained, so for members who are stuck in the past, it’s hard for us to talk them out of their situation. At that level, you really need to seek help from a specialist,” says Ms Chen, who suggests professional counselling in such cases.
For those who are ready to move on, however, Begin Again is poised to help them rediscover the joy of new beginnings.
“We want to encourage them to go out. A lot of them might not know who they are outside their ex-spouses, or what they like, but I always say this is the time to discover and try new things,” says Ms Ang.
After all, divorce does not just mark the end of an era. It also offers a clean slate: the chance to redefine happiness.
Peer support groups
Learn more about Begin Again at beginagainsg.com/happenings
Here are other peer support groups for those going through or recovering from a divorce.
Singapore Divorce Support Group
With over 1,270 members, of which some 380 are active on WhatsApp, this is one of Singapore’s largest divorce peer support groups.
On average, it organises at least one group meet-up a month, which might include a karaoke session or communal meal. Physical activities like treks, badminton matches and cycling expeditions, as well as child-friendly activities, have also been explored.
For more information, go to meetup.com/sgdivorcesupport
Care Corner’s Support Groups for Men and Women
The social service agency runs same-gender support groups. Facilitated by a counsellor, the sessions are safe spaces in which divorced individuals or those going through divorce can share their experiences, learn to regulate their emotions, cope with loss and rediscover themselves.The men’s programme runs on selected Thursdays in April, May and June, while the women meet from July to September. All sessions take place at Care Corner FAM@FSC (Woodlands).
For details, go to carecorner.org.sg/services/divorce-support
Transcending Divorce Group Support Programme
This is an online programme by Fei Yue Community Services, organised for those seeking emotional support after divorce.
Gender-specific sessions run by counsellors take place monthly and last 1½ hours each. Men meet on the first Monday of every month and women on the third Monday.
For more information, go to family-central.sg/courses/transcending-divorce-group-support
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